"My child ran off to be alone during his party. It was immediate family, in his own home. He absorbs into his own shell. He comes out briefly and I cherish those normal moments. But, he never sleeps without being medicated (and nights like tonight that doesn't phase him). When I see a child who is younger than him interact, answer questions, sleep like a charm.... I can't help but feel envious. I try not to its just I guess I am fighting my gut instinct and it makes it that much harder."
For the record for those not on facebook, he didn't go to bed that night until after 2AM.
The stemming responses are getting worse. He turns the lights off and on. He scratches himself constantly until he leaves marks and scratches that bleed. He lines things up. He screams. He throws himself onto the ground in a massive heap. He bites himself out of frustration..... oh the list could go on.
I had fought over and over in my head and I came to the conclusion today. That 3 doctors/specialists, 3 therapists, and 2 alternative medicine people cannot be wrong in their diagnosis of Autism. I let the argument go off in my head hoping the school psychologist was right and all of us were wrong. I am resigned to the fact that the "label" helps me understand the amount of patience and understanding we are going to need. The biggest downside unfortunately is where we live. The support system isn't there. No one is open to their child diagnosis, so it feels as though we are alone. Maybe my opinion is wrong and we aren't "alone" but I notice how we aren't invited, how no one stops by, how soon my dad leaves as soon as he walks into my house. It's lonely. I think maybe that is what has made this 10x worse for me to accept.
Daddy says it best when he says "it will be a challenge but he is our son and we love him and do anything for him. Eventually , especially as smart as we know he can be, he can live a somewhat normal life."
The bottom line is he is our son. There are going to be the good days where it is as though nothing is wrong. Which will make the doubters doubt, including his mom. Then there are going to be the days where the realization of what is, brings me to my knees and I cry for the little boy we call our son. But I will not give up hope. I won't stop writing the blog, I won't make it full of happiness and joy so people will read it. I'll put our feelings into it. Maybe if just one other momma out there reads it she knows she is not alone.
Montana broke my heart into a million pieces when she said she didn't understand her brother. Obviously kids her age realize Dacotah is different. Her friends notice. I just wish I could tell them that being different is okay. Here is why Dacotah wears braces and tight fitting shirts. I can't imagine how scared she must be inside. Getting her to say anything about how she feels is proving very difficult. Nope before you ask she is not forgotten. I've just got to find her the right support that she needs so she can open up.
The screaming in the car gets her the worst. There are days we can drive for hours and Dacotah is 100% fine. Then there are days like recently where he screams nonstop over 30-45minutes. But the smile and laughter he provides makes it all quickly fade away.
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